I’ve been struggling to stay on top of my life recently. A lot of times, I feel like a spectator in the things are happening around and to me. Cos there are simply too many variables in any one situation, and there’s no way I can anticipate all of it. So I sit back most of the time, observe and react where appropriate. I’ve been criticised for taking such a passive attitude towards life. For withdrawing from living my life, as it were. 

There are all these societal expectations about taking control of your life, not allowing things to simply happen to you, but instead to grab life by its horns and make it do what you will. I don’t know what the correct answer is, whether there is even one. But in my personal opinion, hogwash. I see no possibility that anyone could ever exercise control over things happening to them. Not unless you’re gonna lock yourself indoors and never venture anywhere else where there are much more variables outside of your control. Even then, who’s not to say that the building isn’t collapse or someone isn’t going to come knocking on your door?

It’s exhausting sometimes. Not cos I’m constantly reacting. No, it’s the justifications I often have to give to others who don’t subscribe to this way of life. Why I make the choices I do. Why I don’t conform to what’s “right”. Why I’m not trying harder to do something or other that the speaker thinks I ought to do. Occasionally, there’ll be some who say, “Live the way you want to live babe!” and then move into “why are you doing this and not that” mode five minutes later when I bring up something that resonates with them. That’s human nature. I fault no one for it cos I’m exactly the same way. Outside of withdrawing completely from society, I see no way to escape the inconsistency. And even if I withdrew, I would still have my own inconsistency to contend with. So here’s really no way out I guess.

Consistency… that’s another thing I’ve been grappling with. Why people are so inconsistent. More precisely, why I’m not more consistent. Why I’m constantly changing my mind every so often about things I thought I had already made up my mind on. Why it seems so important for me to decide on and state my stand only to find myself worrying about being fickle when I realise I don’t exactly agree with my own stand some time later.

On a strange, moving moonlit walk some years ago with A, he told me he had friends who know exactly what they want, who they are, and they’re very focused about it and that he sometimes wondered if maybe he ought to be more like that. I answered that I think people who are very sure about themselves, their lives and their futures are putting themselves into these neat little boxes cos they can… at this point in time. But there’s no telling when something will come along and overturn one box which upsets the others and turn their lives into complete and utter disarray. I think I learnt the hard way that these are just balls in the air. When you drop one, the others will start falling as well. Instead of trying to juggle all the balls perfectly, I’m perfectly okay with dropping one or two once in a while. I’m not perfect. I’m a walking contradiction, and I’d like to think I can live with myself like that.

I think I’m with that view 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time is when someone asks me those difficult questions and I really have no answers cos I’m not consistent enough to be able to give a flawless answer that I would be able to stick to. But I’d still feel compelled to give an answer anyway. That’s when I’m forced to re-examine my “personal values” and what they stand for. And why they don’t conform perfectly to societal expectations on right and wrong.

I haven’t been sleeping well. Been waking up at wee hours of the morning and not being able to fall back asleep after. When I think I’m clear-headed and running on gut instinct, I sleep very little. I’m physically tired but the mind seems to be more alert and alive. But at some point, realism kicks in and I tell myself that I really got to get some quality sleep. Last night was when realism kicked in. So I popped a Clonazepam and slept like a baby through the night, only waking up at 6.45 am this morning. I should have been happy, but I realise now that I’m more exhausted on 6 hours of sleep than when I was going on 3 hours of un-aided sleep.

I’m exhausted. I need a nap.